The new ABC Family show 10 Things I Hate About Your can't win. Here are 10 reasons why, but before we begin, a brief history of my relationship with the movie:

I was 12 when I first saw it. I became convinced that paddle boats and paintball would be the perfect first date. I couldn't wait to have my own complicated romantic saga that culminated in the perfect make-out session while a band played on the roof of my (strangely, but awesomely) castle-like school. So if I seem a little harsh and assume-the-worst-y at times, remember that we're talking about a show based on one of my favorite movies ever. Without further ado, the list:

1. The movie, despite (and also because of) all of its cliches, was undeniably high school, but it had the added pedigree of being based on a Shakespeare play. But the structure of a play (and a movie) is very different than the structure of a TV show. Without this driving plot the show will likely dissolve into yet another teen soap that never goes anywhere. Will they-won't they works in movies because you know that in 90 minutes or so, they will, and that will be it. Here, we're going to have to suffer through however many years ABC Family can squeeze out of this thing of will they-won't they-oh they almost did, but something got in the way-look, here's a disposable love interest as a fake barrier- oh here's another disposable love interest as a fake barrier- hey, it's a declaration of love foiled by bad timing- oh they're together but will it last? crap. And we have not one, but two "perfect for each other" couples that will go through all of this.

2. IMDb shows no Bogie Lowenstien.

3. The TV Cameron is awful. This is especially painful for me because I loved Movie Cameron. Movie Cameron was dorky, but sweet and well meaning. Movie Cameron even occasionally stood up for himself. Movie Cameron was also hot. In fact, my misguided 12-year-old self thought Cameron was more attractive than Heath Ledger's Patrick the first time I saw the movie. (It was something about Heath Ledger's hair. I didn't approve of the hair.) But although my 12-year-old self was wrong in the hotness ranking, the fact remains that Movie Cameron was a very appealing character. TV Cameron, on the other hand, looks to be a pathetic, annoying nuisance. In the movie it's obvious that Bianca should be with Cameron. But with TV Cameron, I can see why she'd stay away. Now, to be fair, I am basing this assumption on the two seconds of him saying, "I love you" in a whiny voice just after Bianca has left his earshot. That seems like something a lot of "nice guys" do in TV and movies now a days, and they need to cut it out. It's obnoxious. Movie Cameron was nice without being a pushover (remember, it was his plan that set the whole plot in motion). TV Cameron is just a loser that probably doesn't deserve to get his dream girl.

4. It's based on a beloved movie (and if you're laughing at that statement, you don't know many teenage girls), and therefore can only suffer in comparison.

5. The one -dimensional characters that provided most of the comic relief in the movie won't translate to TV, because the writers will want to flesh them out and give them backgrounds. Normally this would be a good thing, but I'm worried that in this case it will make the characters less funny.

6. Kat: Why are people afraid of you? Patrick: Why are people afraid of you? Oh wow, these kids are witty. Repeating the question- what a comeback! Sigh... Just awful, awful dialogue.

7. It's on ABC Family. Larry Miller, returning to his old role as the dad- the one potential bright spot, will probably be censored like crazy. And I will be shocked if the new guidance counselor writes porn when she's supposed to be helping students.

8. The actor playing Patrick doesn't look nearly tough enough. Ok, so this was almost a positive because I appreciate that these actors only look 3-5 years older than their characters as opposed to, say, 10. But if Patrick and Kat aren't believable as outsiders, as people who would conceivably be on the fringe, the whole thing falls apart. Granted, in no high school on Earth would Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger ever be marginalized. They just happened to sell this conceit much better than the two new leads (again, based on the promo) will. Also, a motorcycle? This guy cannot pull off a motorcycle. No high school student I know, even the most bad ass or rebellious or whatever, rides a motorcycle. We teenagers want cars that carry our friends and our stuff. If it looks cool that's certainly a bonus, but never the first priority.

9. During the promo voice over, "the other [sister] is determined to stand out," we see Kat wearing a black slouchy hat and holding a camera. If that's what ABC Family thinks constitutes "standing out," they obviously have not been in a high school lately. Artsy hipsters are all the rage.

10. There is no way Cameron's new sidekick will measure up to David Krumholtz.

It's just going to be terrible, ok? Trust me, no good can come of this. I mean, it will probably be a hit because "Secret Life of the Stupid Whiny Teenager" is also a hit (I keep seeing promos where the girl is like, "I'm a new mother in high school! I'm missing out on everything." Um, yeah. Get over yourself, you have a kid to take care of), but it will be a horrific show that I will ceaselessly mock. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to retreat to my basement and relive the glory of Bianca's hideous prom dress, Joey Donner's modeling, and Heath Ledger's rendition of "I Love You Baby."


Rob said...

Haha this is great.

Lucy said...

I agree! The movie was great, but I think the show is going to be really bad.

Lily said...


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